Q&A: Gentle Discipline for a 2.5 year old
QUESTION: I have a 2.5 year old daughter who used to be so well behaved but the last few weeks she’s really been testing me. She’ll run away from me when we’re out. She thinks it’s really funny. I’ve tried explaining that it’s very dangerous but she doesn’t care. I feel like I’ve tried everything. The only thing that seems to work somewhat is threatening to take away her favorite animal or put her in the stroller (which she hates). Today we went to the store and she didn’t want to walk. She was just laying on the floor and when I tried to pick her up, she made her whole body flimsy and limp. I just feel like she’s out of control and I’m not sure what to do. Is there any discipline method out there that will work?
ANSWER: First let me say that 2.5 is just a crazy age!! I was just saying to a mama today in our playgroup - it seems that at 2.5, it’s like a light switch flips and then bam! that sweet little toddler now has very strong opinions on things and knows how to show them 
Just to give you an idea of some of my “favorite” 2.5′isms in our house - Brianna used to SCREAM at the top of her lungs in the car randomly and for no reason (scared the heck out of me); would fight tooth and nail to get into her car seat (usually combined with screaming at the top of her lungs); dart out into the street; run off from me in the grocery store; oh, and my personal favorite - taking her shoes off and hocking them at us poor parental souls in the front seat. So please know that her “testing” is completely normal and important developmentally. At 2.5, they really need to assert their independence!
That said, whenever you’re dealing with a behavior that is out of the norm or unwanted, ask WHY. The “Why” could be simply that she is 2.5, and that is what 2.5’s do. But, there could be other factors. Has there been any major changes in her life? (esp a new sibling). How about low blood sugar? Oftentimes, Brianna’s behavior was the worst simply because she hadn’t had enough to eat. Changes in her diet? She could be experiencing some kind of
allergic reaction.
I believe that the best “discipline” you can give to a 2.5 (probably all ages, I think) is simply A LOT of extra love. Children crave our love - and they deserve to get it, no matter the behavior. If there has been a big change in her life like a new sibling, this is even more important. Spend extra special one on one time with her. Do something special she’d like. Sleep with her at night, or stay with her in her bed until she falls asleep.
Put her in an Ergo sling and carry her around. Whatever will make her feel loved and special - do that. Obviously, you can verbally let her know that a behavior is dangerous, or hurts someone, or what have you. But I believe the answer is always more love.
It is easy as parents to be reactionary - to see a behavior, feel like you’re losing control, fear that loss of control (e.g. OMG, if she’s like this now, what will she be like when she’s 15?), and then clamp down - yell, time out, even (for some) spanking or slapping. Here’s what I learned from my 2.5 year old though: control is an illusion. I think that pretty much nothing short of corporal punishment (which I am vehemently against) will stop a 2.5 year old from acting like they do. They just don’t get it. They don’t have empathy, they don’t have an understanding of danger, they simply feel - and react.
So what do we do?
1. Remember and take into consideration the “why” of their behavior (this keeps you empathetic and loving);
2. Acknowledge their emotions (Brianna mad! Brianna doesn’t want to leave park!)
3. Tell them the rule/the appropriate behavior in clear simple terms (no long sentences);
4. Go on the defense to protect them (and ourselves) from unsafe behaviors. With Brianna, I used a little monkey backpack with a tail/leash to keep her safe if we were in crowds; these days, I use a sling. Or in the case of the shoe throwing, take all shoes and other projectiles out of the back seat.
5. For non-dangerous behaviors, take them with a grain of salt and let them be, if at all possible. Remember - they’re just doing their job - growing up! It WILL pass. I’ve gotten to a point with my second child Elea - who is now entering the murky waters of “2″ - where I often laugh about and enjoy those behaviors. Elea has, like her sister, discovered the joys of screaming in the car. Woe is me
Oh, and in the case of her acting like a protest participant, simply acknowledge her feelings, tell her it’s time to go, and pick her little body up, hug her, and distract her with something fun (like something you’ll do later in the day).
I know it’s not easy mama! It’s so tiring, exhausting, scary, etc. I hope this helps a little bit though.
Sending you energy and support,
Katherine