Q&A: AP Causing Poor Sleep Habits?
QUESTION: We co-sleep, but for the last couple of months, our 13 mo old son has been unable to sleep for more than an hour or so at a time. I understand that if what he wants is me by his side, then fulfilling his need is what is important and in accordance with AP. But, if AP aims at raising content and secure children, what other need am I missing that provokes this incredible need to use me as a pacifier? What else is going on that has made him so dependant of me to sleep? And even when I am there, why is he unable to fall into a deep, and restful sleep? Are we fulfilling his need for comfort while ignoring something bigger? Where is the void that causes this situation?
ANSWER: Sleep is a really hard issue. I have a co-sleeping, night waking, milk loving
19 mo old, so I know what you’re going through. And I’m a very big believer in AP.
Here’s the thing: attachment parenting DOES create content and secure children and adults. But remember that your son is still really little. Just over a year old – still a baby. Babies are dependent and needy. They do have a void – they can’t talk, they can’t move well, they can do little on their own. They have no understand that there is anything out there beyond you! Here’s what your son knows: You are mama. You are comfort, you
are love, you are his world. He wakes up, he wants to feel safe, and loved, and so he wants to connect with you. And he does that in the best, most yummy warm way possible – by nursing.
The security, independence, self-reliance – all that – will kick in after his needs are met while he’s little. The age that they become independent varies, of course.. but 13 months is way too young to expect to see it. I don’t have any data at hand, but anecdotally, we’re talking more along the lines of 3 and up.
As a practical matter, it’s true the availability of the breast does tend to make co-sleeping children wake up more often. There are tools that can be used to help - like craniosacral therapy, homepathics and herbs, massage, routine (like you’re doing) that may help. But often not. The tools I use, personally, are mental and philosophical. I know that my daughter will sleep through the night sooner or later (hey, when she’s a teenager, I probably won’t be able to STOP her from sleeping!) and I realize that these early years of sleeplessness will pass quickly and I’ll have plenty of time to sleep when I’m old. And when I’m most tired, I remember why I respond to her night-time needs – because I believe in the power of AP to create love-filled children and adults.
Night weaning is certainly an option, although at 13 months it would be difficult for him to understand what you are doing and why – the language skills and understanding just aren’t there yet. I, periodically starting around 13 months or so, have tried to tell my daughter “no milk at night.” But she just doesn’t get it; she gets mad (I understand why!). Night and day are pretty advanced concepts. And since I don’t want her to be so mad/frustrated/upset/disconnected, I table my “no milk at night” attempt for another day.
Don’t know if any of that is helpful – but I don’t think there are easy answers, unfortunately.
Hoping you’re sleeping better tonight,
Katherine