My oldest daughter turns five next month.  In the quiet of night, as I watch Brianna and her little sister sleep in our family bed, I marvel.  I can’t believe she’s five.  My thoughts turn to myself.  I’ve been a mother for five years.  It’s my five year “Mommiversary.”

The old cliche, now a Johnson and Johnson commercial, rings true to me.  Having her did change everything.  I was such a very different person then.  I was caught up in fairytale motherhood.  What to buy.  How cute she’d be.  How people would admire her.  I had prepared myself well for her natural birth, yet read nary a book about parenting.  When faced with the realities of a newborn, I followed the mainstream.  Even though I ached to sleep with her on my chest, I heeded the advice of the “experts” that told me not to - that she’d come to rely on this in order to sleep.  With my wakeful baby in an adjoining room, me desperate for rest, I did as other mothers told me and let her cry it out.  And perceiving my active and distractible six month old baby uninterested in breastfeeding, I weaned her at six months.  Oh, I regret so much.

With the birth of my second daughter, I was transformed.  Born at home, Elea slept in my bed that night under the crook of my arm.  It felt so right that something clicked inside of me.  I started ignoring what “people” said I should do - and instead, heeded the call of my heart.  Elea continued sleeping in our bed.  And not long after, we brought Brianna in too.  No longer a  working mother, I resolved this time to give exclusive breastfeeding a try.  At the crucial six week mark when I was convinced Elea was starving from lack of milk, I gathered my courage together and went to a La Leche League meeting.  The women I met there became my mentors and friends, helping me uncover - and trust - my instincts.  I watched first with curiosity, then admiration, as they EC’d, nursed their toddlers, and tandem nursed.  I began attachment parenting Brianna, and learned first hand how unconditional love and physical closeness made my detached, angry toddler whole and loving again.  Devoted now to the physical, emotional and spiritual benefits of attachment parenting, I have become an AP advocate and teacher.

Motherhood has taught me so much.  I’ve learned that my primary job as a mother is to fill my childrens’ needs as completely as I can.  In those moments when Elea wants milky for the umpteeth time that day, and everything in me screams “Leave me be! I need a break!,” I breathe.  I remember how attachment parenting transformed Brianna, and myself.  I talk myself down from my ledge and give.  I fill her needs. 

I’ve learned that touch creates attachment creates love.  The more I hold my babies, the more love I feel.  The less I hold them, the harder it is to connect with my heart - and with them.  I’ve learned, from my foray into “detachment” parenting, that babies feel the same way too.

I am, by nature, a goal setter, an intent holder, and in my evening reverie, I cannot help but look ahead to the next five years.  I resolve to be an even better parent.  I want to deepen my understanding and further my practice of Unconditional Parenting.  I want to, at long last, stop using bribes and hollow threats to coerce my daughters into action.  I want always to verbalize my feelings - “I feel frustrated that” or “I feel so mad because” - instead of reacting to their behavior by raising my voice.  I want to maintain and grow this close bond I have with my girls so that they can talk to me about anything.  I want to preserve and protect their self esteem by surrounding them with children whose parents parent the way I do, by supporting their ideas, talents and interests, and valuing their identity over achievements.

I resolve to join more in their fun.  I will play Pretend, and Hide and Go Seek, and Go Fish.  I will take time to laugh with them and be silly.  I will continue to always be mindful of each and every moment of their childhood, taking pictures in my mind’s eye of their girlish giggles so that I will never forget the joy.

I am incredibly, overwhelmingly grateful for my life, and for the life-changing gift that is mothering.  I am grateful that I have had a baby grow and thrive inside my body, and to birth peacefully and beautifully at home.  I am grateful for the joy and chaos my children bring to my life.  I am grateful for the ability to stay with them at home.  I am grateful that by needing me so much, by demanding so much of my body and soul, my children have transformed me into a more loving and patient human being, and an advocate for gentle parenting.

Next month, as Brianna blows out her birthday candles, I will remember it’s my “mommiversary” too.  I’ll take a quick moment within to celebrate the mother I have become, and to make a wish for myself: that my desire to become an even better mother will indeed come true.

Celebrate Your “Mommiversary”

Make your child’s birthday an opportunity to reflect on, and celebrate, your motherhood.  Take some time for yourself, perhaps after your children are asleep (perhaps even as you watch them sleep!).  Open a journal, and in a mindful place, reflect on:

·        Who you were when your child was born

·        Who you are now

·        What you’ve learned from being a mother

·        What you’ve learned about mothering

·        What you are grateful for

·        What kind of parent you want to be in the coming years

·        What your goals are for your children 

My daughter Elea’s first birthday was last Wednesday. I went about my day, as I normally do, enjoying the little moments of mothering. My husband came home from work, we ate dinner, we helped Elea open a few presents. But as the time that she was born drew nearer – 9:37 pm – I felt and heeded a deep need to look at the pictures from her birth. My two girls asleep, my husband watching television, I turned on the computer and started looking at pictures and watching video clips from Elea’s birth day. Read more…