QUESTION: We co-sleep, but for the last couple of months, our 13 mo old son has been unable to sleep for more than an hour or so at a time. I understand that if what he wants is me by his side, then fulfilling his need is what is important and in accordance with AP. But, if AP aims at raising content and secure children, what other need am I missing that provokes this incredible need to use me as a pacifier? What else is going on that has made him so dependant of me to sleep? And even when I am there, why is he unable to fall into a deep, and restful sleep? Are we fulfilling his need for comfort while ignoring something bigger? Where is the void that causes this situation?

ANSWER: Sleep is a really hard issue. I have a co-sleeping, night waking, milk loving
19 mo old, so I know what you’re going through. And I’m a very big believer in AP.

Here’s the thing: attachment parenting DOES create content and secure children and adults. But remember that your son is still really little. Just over a year old – still a baby. Babies are dependent and needy. They do have a void – they can’t talk, they can’t move well, they can do little on their own. They have no understand that there is anything out there beyond you! Here’s what your son knows: You are mama. You are comfort, you
are love, you are his world. He wakes up, he wants to feel safe, and loved, and so he wants to connect with you. And he does that in the best, most yummy warm way possible – by nursing.

The security, independence, self-reliance – all that – will kick in after his needs are met while he’s little. The age that they become independent varies, of course.. but 13 months is way too young to expect to see it. I don’t have any data at hand, but anecdotally, we’re talking more along the lines of 3 and up.

As a practical matter, it’s true the availability of the breast does tend to make co-sleeping children wake up more often. There are tools that can be used to help - like craniosacral therapy, homepathics and herbs, massage, routine (like you’re doing) that may help. But often not. The tools I use, personally, are mental and philosophical. I know that my daughter will sleep through the night sooner or later (hey, when she’s a teenager, I probably won’t be able to STOP her from sleeping!) and I realize that these early years of sleeplessness will pass quickly and I’ll have plenty of time to sleep when I’m old. And when I’m most tired, I remember why I respond to her night-time needs – because I believe in the power of AP to create love-filled children and adults.
Night weaning is certainly an option, although at 13 months it would be difficult for him to understand what you are doing and why – the language skills and understanding just aren’t there yet. I, periodically starting around 13 months or so, have tried to tell my daughter “no milk at night.” But she just doesn’t get it; she gets mad (I understand why!). Night and day are pretty advanced concepts. And since I don’t want her to be so mad/frustrated/upset/disconnected, I table my “no milk at night” attempt for another day.
Don’t know if any of that is helpful – but I don’t think there are easy answers, unfortunately.

Hoping you’re sleeping better tonight,

Katherine

QUESTION: Can you start co-sleeping when your child is 2? Also, if you are co-sleeping with more than 1 child, how do you handle it? Does it just take some adjustment time?

ANSWER: I found attachment parenting late, when my older daughter Brianna
was 2.5. My younger daughter had just been born at home - with the baby, I
began trusting my instincts - having her sleep in our bed, on demand bf,
etc. When I found how good it felt to be so close to the baby, I began to
soften, really. And I started applying attachment parenting practices to my older daughter
too - including bringing her into our bed.

It was the very best thing I’ve done so far in Brianna’s short life. With
bringing her to our bed - and also laying with her until she falls asleep,
and slinging her when we could - I feel I’ve made strides toward making up
for all the poor, unthinking choices I made with her (like having her in her
own crib in her own room from birth by herself and letting her cry it out).
After a year and a half of co-sleeping and AP lovin’, Brianna is a different
girl and I’m a different mama. I feel so much more connected with her,
appreciative of her, loving of her.and she is both demonstrative and verbal
in her love where she wasn’t before.

Now that she’s 4, sometimes Brianna sleeps in her own bed in her own room,
sometimes with us (about 50/50). When we all 4 cosleep - we all pack like
sardines into our queen sized bed. I lay on one edge, my husband on the
other, the baby in the middle, and Brianna below the baby - on top of our
comforter but under a bunch of blankets. The transition to co-sleeping with
4 was easy - and a joy. It does help that both girls are still sleepers -
they don’t move around much.

Hope that helps!

Warmly,

Katherine

Katherine C. Havener

These days, most expectant mothers know that breastfeeding is best. The American Academy of Pediatrics, the World Health Organization, the US Department of Health, heck – even the formula companies – say so. Why? The reasons are endless. Your breastmilk is designed perfectly for your baby. It has all the nutrients your baby needs. Studies show that breastfed babies are smarter and healthier adults. Breastfeeding is better for you. It helps your uterus contract back down to size after your baby is born, it helps you lose the baby weight, and even more importantly, reduces your risk of breast cancer. Breastfeeding is truly a wonder. Read more…

When my oldest daughter, Brianna, was an infant, I thought I would go bonkers from sleep deprivation. At first, I consoled myself that she was just a newborn, and that she would eventually sleep more. Month four, still not sleeping, I began feeding her cereal, hoping upon hope that it would fill her little belly so she would not wake up. Nope. She woke up as usual. Month six, an irritable monster-momma, I began a desperate search for “answers.” I read book after book, I searched websites for tips and techniques, I even considered paying hundreds of dollars to get a phone-consult from a sleep expert on just what I could do to get my baby to sleep. Now, as I’m sure you know if you’re reading this article, there is a raging debate as to whether an infant should be taught to sleep by crying it out. And my husband and I, like nearly all new parents, got caught up in this debate – trying our best to balance our desperate need to sleep with what felt right, and what was right. Read more…