My oldest daughter turns five next month.  In the quiet of night, as I watch Brianna and her little sister sleep in our family bed, I marvel.  I can’t believe she’s five.  My thoughts turn to myself.  I’ve been a mother for five years.  It’s my five year “Mommiversary.”

The old cliche, now a Johnson and Johnson commercial, rings true to me.  Having her did change everything.  I was such a very different person then.  I was caught up in fairytale motherhood.  What to buy.  How cute she’d be.  How people would admire her.  I had prepared myself well for her natural birth, yet read nary a book about parenting.  When faced with the realities of a newborn, I followed the mainstream.  Even though I ached to sleep with her on my chest, I heeded the advice of the “experts” that told me not to - that she’d come to rely on this in order to sleep.  With my wakeful baby in an adjoining room, me desperate for rest, I did as other mothers told me and let her cry it out.  And perceiving my active and distractible six month old baby uninterested in breastfeeding, I weaned her at six months.  Oh, I regret so much.

With the birth of my second daughter, I was transformed.  Born at home, Elea slept in my bed that night under the crook of my arm.  It felt so right that something clicked inside of me.  I started ignoring what “people” said I should do - and instead, heeded the call of my heart.  Elea continued sleeping in our bed.  And not long after, we brought Brianna in too.  No longer a  working mother, I resolved this time to give exclusive breastfeeding a try.  At the crucial six week mark when I was convinced Elea was starving from lack of milk, I gathered my courage together and went to a La Leche League meeting.  The women I met there became my mentors and friends, helping me uncover - and trust - my instincts.  I watched first with curiosity, then admiration, as they EC’d, nursed their toddlers, and tandem nursed.  I began attachment parenting Brianna, and learned first hand how unconditional love and physical closeness made my detached, angry toddler whole and loving again.  Devoted now to the physical, emotional and spiritual benefits of attachment parenting, I have become an AP advocate and teacher.

Motherhood has taught me so much.  I’ve learned that my primary job as a mother is to fill my childrens’ needs as completely as I can.  In those moments when Elea wants milky for the umpteeth time that day, and everything in me screams “Leave me be! I need a break!,” I breathe.  I remember how attachment parenting transformed Brianna, and myself.  I talk myself down from my ledge and give.  I fill her needs. 

I’ve learned that touch creates attachment creates love.  The more I hold my babies, the more love I feel.  The less I hold them, the harder it is to connect with my heart - and with them.  I’ve learned, from my foray into “detachment” parenting, that babies feel the same way too.

I am, by nature, a goal setter, an intent holder, and in my evening reverie, I cannot help but look ahead to the next five years.  I resolve to be an even better parent.  I want to deepen my understanding and further my practice of Unconditional Parenting.  I want to, at long last, stop using bribes and hollow threats to coerce my daughters into action.  I want always to verbalize my feelings - “I feel frustrated that” or “I feel so mad because” - instead of reacting to their behavior by raising my voice.  I want to maintain and grow this close bond I have with my girls so that they can talk to me about anything.  I want to preserve and protect their self esteem by surrounding them with children whose parents parent the way I do, by supporting their ideas, talents and interests, and valuing their identity over achievements.

I resolve to join more in their fun.  I will play Pretend, and Hide and Go Seek, and Go Fish.  I will take time to laugh with them and be silly.  I will continue to always be mindful of each and every moment of their childhood, taking pictures in my mind’s eye of their girlish giggles so that I will never forget the joy.

I am incredibly, overwhelmingly grateful for my life, and for the life-changing gift that is mothering.  I am grateful that I have had a baby grow and thrive inside my body, and to birth peacefully and beautifully at home.  I am grateful for the joy and chaos my children bring to my life.  I am grateful for the ability to stay with them at home.  I am grateful that by needing me so much, by demanding so much of my body and soul, my children have transformed me into a more loving and patient human being, and an advocate for gentle parenting.

Next month, as Brianna blows out her birthday candles, I will remember it’s my “mommiversary” too.  I’ll take a quick moment within to celebrate the mother I have become, and to make a wish for myself: that my desire to become an even better mother will indeed come true.

Celebrate Your “Mommiversary”

Make your child’s birthday an opportunity to reflect on, and celebrate, your motherhood.  Take some time for yourself, perhaps after your children are asleep (perhaps even as you watch them sleep!).  Open a journal, and in a mindful place, reflect on:

·        Who you were when your child was born

·        Who you are now

·        What you’ve learned from being a mother

·        What you’ve learned about mothering

·        What you are grateful for

·        What kind of parent you want to be in the coming years

·        What your goals are for your children 

QUESTION: We co-sleep, but for the last couple of months, our 13 mo old son has been unable to sleep for more than an hour or so at a time. I understand that if what he wants is me by his side, then fulfilling his need is what is important and in accordance with AP. But, if AP aims at raising content and secure children, what other need am I missing that provokes this incredible need to use me as a pacifier? What else is going on that has made him so dependant of me to sleep? And even when I am there, why is he unable to fall into a deep, and restful sleep? Are we fulfilling his need for comfort while ignoring something bigger? Where is the void that causes this situation?

ANSWER: Sleep is a really hard issue. I have a co-sleeping, night waking, milk loving
19 mo old, so I know what you’re going through. And I’m a very big believer in AP.

Here’s the thing: attachment parenting DOES create content and secure children and adults. But remember that your son is still really little. Just over a year old – still a baby. Babies are dependent and needy. They do have a void – they can’t talk, they can’t move well, they can do little on their own. They have no understand that there is anything out there beyond you! Here’s what your son knows: You are mama. You are comfort, you
are love, you are his world. He wakes up, he wants to feel safe, and loved, and so he wants to connect with you. And he does that in the best, most yummy warm way possible – by nursing.

The security, independence, self-reliance – all that – will kick in after his needs are met while he’s little. The age that they become independent varies, of course.. but 13 months is way too young to expect to see it. I don’t have any data at hand, but anecdotally, we’re talking more along the lines of 3 and up.

As a practical matter, it’s true the availability of the breast does tend to make co-sleeping children wake up more often. There are tools that can be used to help - like craniosacral therapy, homepathics and herbs, massage, routine (like you’re doing) that may help. But often not. The tools I use, personally, are mental and philosophical. I know that my daughter will sleep through the night sooner or later (hey, when she’s a teenager, I probably won’t be able to STOP her from sleeping!) and I realize that these early years of sleeplessness will pass quickly and I’ll have plenty of time to sleep when I’m old. And when I’m most tired, I remember why I respond to her night-time needs – because I believe in the power of AP to create love-filled children and adults.
Night weaning is certainly an option, although at 13 months it would be difficult for him to understand what you are doing and why – the language skills and understanding just aren’t there yet. I, periodically starting around 13 months or so, have tried to tell my daughter “no milk at night.” But she just doesn’t get it; she gets mad (I understand why!). Night and day are pretty advanced concepts. And since I don’t want her to be so mad/frustrated/upset/disconnected, I table my “no milk at night” attempt for another day.
Don’t know if any of that is helpful – but I don’t think there are easy answers, unfortunately.

Hoping you’re sleeping better tonight,

Katherine

QUESTION: Can you start co-sleeping when your child is 2? Also, if you are co-sleeping with more than 1 child, how do you handle it? Does it just take some adjustment time?

ANSWER: I found attachment parenting late, when my older daughter Brianna
was 2.5. My younger daughter had just been born at home - with the baby, I
began trusting my instincts - having her sleep in our bed, on demand bf,
etc. When I found how good it felt to be so close to the baby, I began to
soften, really. And I started applying attachment parenting practices to my older daughter
too - including bringing her into our bed.

It was the very best thing I’ve done so far in Brianna’s short life. With
bringing her to our bed - and also laying with her until she falls asleep,
and slinging her when we could - I feel I’ve made strides toward making up
for all the poor, unthinking choices I made with her (like having her in her
own crib in her own room from birth by herself and letting her cry it out).
After a year and a half of co-sleeping and AP lovin’, Brianna is a different
girl and I’m a different mama. I feel so much more connected with her,
appreciative of her, loving of her.and she is both demonstrative and verbal
in her love where she wasn’t before.

Now that she’s 4, sometimes Brianna sleeps in her own bed in her own room,
sometimes with us (about 50/50). When we all 4 cosleep - we all pack like
sardines into our queen sized bed. I lay on one edge, my husband on the
other, the baby in the middle, and Brianna below the baby - on top of our
comforter but under a bunch of blankets. The transition to co-sleeping with
4 was easy - and a joy. It does help that both girls are still sleepers -
they don’t move around much.

Hope that helps!

Warmly,

Katherine

Katherine C. Havener

QUESTION: I have a 2.5 year old daughter who used to be so well behaved but the last few weeks she’s really been testing me. She’ll run away from me when we’re out. She thinks it’s really funny. I’ve tried explaining that it’s very dangerous but she doesn’t care. I feel like I’ve tried everything. The only thing that seems to work somewhat is threatening to take away her favorite animal or put her in the stroller (which she hates). Today we went to the store and she didn’t want to walk. She was just laying on the floor and when I tried to pick her up, she made her whole body flimsy and limp. I just feel like she’s out of control and I’m not sure what to do. Is there any discipline method out there that will work?

ANSWER: First let me say that 2.5 is just a crazy age!! I was just saying to a mama today in our playgroup - it seems that at 2.5, it’s like a light switch flips and then bam! that sweet little toddler now has very strong opinions on things and knows how to show them Just to give you an idea of some of my “favorite” 2.5′isms in our house - Brianna used to SCREAM at the top of her lungs in the car randomly and for no reason (scared the heck out of me); would fight tooth and nail to get into her car seat (usually combined with screaming at the top of her lungs); dart out into the street; run off from me in the grocery store; oh, and my personal favorite - taking her shoes off and hocking them at us poor parental souls in the front seat. So please know that her “testing” is completely normal and important developmentally. At 2.5, they really need to assert their independence!

That said, whenever you’re dealing with a behavior that is out of the norm or unwanted, ask WHY. The “Why” could be simply that she is 2.5, and that is what 2.5’s do. But, there could be other factors. Has there been any major changes in her life? (esp a new sibling). How about low blood sugar? Oftentimes, Brianna’s behavior was the worst simply because she hadn’t had enough to eat. Changes in her diet? She could be experiencing some kind of
allergic reaction.

I believe that the best “discipline” you can give to a 2.5 (probably all ages, I think) is simply A LOT of extra love. Children crave our love - and they deserve to get it, no matter the behavior. If there has been a big change in her life like a new sibling, this is even more important. Spend extra special one on one time with her. Do something special she’d like. Sleep with her at night, or stay with her in her bed until she falls asleep.
Put her in an Ergo sling and carry her around. Whatever will make her feel loved and special - do that. Obviously, you can verbally let her know that a behavior is dangerous, or hurts someone, or what have you. But I believe the answer is always more love.

It is easy as parents to be reactionary - to see a behavior, feel like you’re losing control, fear that loss of control (e.g. OMG, if she’s like this now, what will she be like when she’s 15?), and then clamp down - yell, time out, even (for some) spanking or slapping. Here’s what I learned from my 2.5 year old though: control is an illusion. I think that pretty much nothing short of corporal punishment (which I am vehemently against) will stop a 2.5 year old from acting like they do. They just don’t get it. They don’t have empathy, they don’t have an understanding of danger, they simply feel - and react.
So what do we do?

1. Remember and take into consideration the “why” of their behavior (this keeps you empathetic and loving);

2. Acknowledge their emotions (Brianna mad! Brianna doesn’t want to leave park!)

3. Tell them the rule/the appropriate behavior in clear simple terms (no long sentences);

4. Go on the defense to protect them (and ourselves) from unsafe behaviors. With Brianna, I used a little monkey backpack with a tail/leash to keep her safe if we were in crowds; these days, I use a sling. Or in the case of the shoe throwing, take all shoes and other projectiles out of the back seat.

5. For non-dangerous behaviors, take them with a grain of salt and let them be, if at all possible. Remember - they’re just doing their job - growing up! It WILL pass. I’ve gotten to a point with my second child Elea - who is now entering the murky waters of “2″ - where I often laugh about and enjoy those behaviors. Elea has, like her sister, discovered the joys of screaming in the car. Woe is me

Oh, and in the case of her acting like a protest participant, simply acknowledge her feelings, tell her it’s time to go, and pick her little body up, hug her, and distract her with something fun (like something you’ll do later in the day).

I know it’s not easy mama! It’s so tiring, exhausting, scary, etc. I hope this helps a little bit though.

Sending you energy and support,

Katherine

My sweet little Elea… you were born 14 days ago today, and here you sit next to me, where I can finally see you, and hug you, and tell you I love you! You are so incredibly beautiful! You have a crop of dark brown hair (which your dad swears is red!) and eyes that look oh so much like they’re going to be blue! Your skin, so soft, is usually red right now because you’re always so warm! You have a sweet sweet nature – you rarely cry, and when you do, it’s because you don’t like your diaper changed or you are hungry or want to be held.  You love to be held – by me or your dad or your nana or uncle or pretty much anyone.  I understand this of course – just a little while ago, you were held tightly inside my body.  I really LOVE holding you and rarely let you go because I just want to enjoy how little you are.  I sleep with you under the crook of my arm or on my chest.  It feels just incredibly like heaven.  There can be no greater bliss than to carry a child, give birth to her, and then feel her soft skin and beautiful soul in your arms. 

 Your birth was just perfect.  I was surrounded by so many loving, conscious people, and I do so hope that your transition from invisible to visible – here in this world – was as peaceful as I tried to make it.  I worried very much that you would be scared coming into this world, through my body, into the light and sound that is the human plane of existence.  You don’t seem to be scared though! You just seem serene. 

So, your birth story begins on Saturday afternoon, May 27, 2006 – because I think really that is when you started working on coming out! That afternoon, I started to bleed a little bit.  I called Davi, the midwife who attended your birth and took care of me when you were inside me, and she said it was nothing to worry about.  When, on Sunday morning (the 28^th), I still had some blood, she offered to examine me to see what was going on.  Her exam showed that I was still 50 percent effaced and maybe just a centimeter dilated.  But nothing to worry about – she said that some women had really “vascular” cervixes which, as they open, cause women to bleed a bit! I was surprised because this didn’t happen with your sister.  But – as Davi reminded me – every pregnancy’s different!

On Monday, the 29^th  (Memorial Day!), sometime in the afternoon, I started feeling some contractions – spaced quite far apart, and light, but contractions nonetheless.  I told your Dad that I might be in labor, but he didn’t believe me quite yet!! Silly Daddy! At about 4 or 5 in the evening on the 29^th, I decided to call Davi and tell her about the contractions and the continued blood (she had wanted me to call her as soon as I felt much of anything given how quickly your sister was born!) She said she’d be over in a half an hour or so.

Let me just take this moment to tell you (I am sure I will tell you this throughout your life, mind you!) how incredible midwives are.  Davi and her assistant Rebecca gave me so much time, attention, love, conscious support, EVERYTHING that I could possibly need as a pregnant woman.  The health care they provide was second to none.  And the type of birth experience midwives provide both mother and baby is also second to none.  I cannot imagine having any other kind of birth provider and it is my hope of hopes that you will choose to have a home birth with a midwife too. 

Anyway, I digress! Davi and Rebecca came in with their bags full of equipment and started setting up the bedroom where you were born.  It was so neat! Meanwhile, your Dad and Nana made the bed up for the birth (clean nice sheets on the bottom, a plastic tarp, then old sheets on top).  I just sat and watched and felt the infrequent contractions.  As the night progressed, Davi said I needed to take a walk for a few hours! I laughed! A few hours?? But I did walk around the block about 10 times it seems – with your Dad, Nana, Rebecca – but I didn’t mind too much – it was a nice cool night and all the flowers and foliage smelled so divine.  As the night became late night, the contractions were still pretty light and still varied in frequency.  Davi suggested I try to get some sleep!  I had very little success in this endeavor, however.  Not because of the contractions, mind you! I just felt that things should be happening faster and I felt like I was wasting everyone’s time! I had my mom and Paul here, and Davi and Rebecca (and of course your dad) and things didn’t seem to be progressing.  Everyone said they didn’t mind, but in the early morning (Tuesday), I told Mom and Paul to go home.  I then discussed with Davi my concern over the amount of blood that was coming out (with the post partum hemorrhage situation I had with your sister, I don’t much like great amounts of blood coming out…) and, although she said it was my vascular cervix, she suggested that I go see Dr. Crane, our back up doctor in Beverly Hills.  Meanwhile, another mom went into labor, and Davi and Rebecca went to attend to her.

Your Dad and I drove to Beverly Hills, which at 9 in the morning on a work day took about an hour.  I was somewhat uncomfortable by then during contractions – they were  definitely stronger in the car!  I laid myself out in the waiting room feeling worried and dealing with the contractions until they could see me.  Dr. Crane did an ultrasound and said that everything looked great – the placenta was well attached, you were doing fine. He confirmed that my cervix was very vascular and that as it was opening up, little capillaries were popping – all perfectly normal.  I felt much relieved!! He said that you would be born by the next morning! I liked the sound of that!!  Dr. Crane also gave me a “non-stress test” which tracked your health and my contractions.. it turns out that in their office, the contractions were about 3 or 4 minutes apart! Pretty close!  What were the contractions like? I imagined them being a flower inside me opening up, blossoming.  They start deep inside me in one point, then they blossom in sensation – getting larger, and then fade.  Something about that imagery really helped me focus when I was having them.  The midwife on staff at Dr. Crane’s office – a friend and colleague of Davi’s – called Davi and said she’d better get to my house because the baby would be coming soon. 

Of course, Davi was attending the birth of another baby, so she sent another pair of midwives to come to our house to help out in case she didn’t make it! Isn’t that cool? It turns out that the midwives she sent were our second choice midwives (the ones that your dad actually had as first choice, initially!) They came to the house, took over doing an exam and doing my blood pressure and pulse and checking your heartbeat and everything.  They made sure I drank water and lots of it! And then they had me go for a walk.  Hot! It was outside – 90 degrees for sure.  I brought an umbrella for shade, but after one lap around the block, that was it for me! Mom and Paul came back to the house too, and hung out with Renee and Shelly while I labored in the bedroom (I wanted to be alone!) 

Come late afternoon on Tuesday, May 30^th, Davi and Rebecca were back, and my labor had slowed down again! I could definitely feel the contractions; they were still not very frequent.  I also felt super constipated!! Davi suggested we kick start the process since I was so tired.  She said I was having what was called “prodromal labor.”  So she suggested an enema, or castor oil, or nipple stimulation.  I opted for castor oil!  Davi mixed it with Coca Cola and I plugged my nose and swallowed it down! Anything to get things moving, I thought!  I also told Paul and Mom to go home (they had come back to the house) because nothing was happening and I didn’t want them to have to stay up all night again! 

A few hours later, around 7 pm, I had another glass of castor oil and Coke! Nothing happened for another two hours – contractions still infrequent.  Then, at 9:30 pm, I felt like I had to have a BM.  I went to the toilet and saw liquid running down my leg.  I told Davi and Rebecca and they said it was my water breaking.  All of a sudden, my body was in that crazy intense place called “transition.” I didn’t know this of course! You don’t know it when it is happening.  All I could feel was my body taking over – I’m sitting on the toilet and Davi is in front of me and I’m having these majorly intense sensations that I just felt like I wanted to hold my breath and freeze my body through.  Davi was telling me “Katherine, you have to relax into them! Let your body go!” But I couldn’t figure out how to do this! I remember saying, as I did with Brianna when I was in transition, “I don’t think I can do this!” but this time, Davi was there to tell me, “Yes you can!” 

I think I had about 3 of these very intense contractions (lasting about 2 or 3 minutes total) and then I felt very much like I had to have a large poop! Davi looked down and said, “Katherine, you have to get to the bedroom, your baby is coming!”  I figured this sensation was more than just a little poop! Hee hee! I hobbled to the bedroom – Davi had her hand under my backside – and I could only get as far as the end of the bed because the urge to push took over! Davi and Rebecca looked again with me on the bed and thought again that maybe it was just poop coming out, but on closer inspection, they could see your head coming out!! They had me turn around to scootch up the bed (this was hard!!) and then with a couple deep pushes, you my sweet baby were born!!! Amazing Amazing!!  Women are so dramatic on television when you see them pushing – you hear how it burns and is horrible when the baby comes out.  But for me, this is not true! I definitely felt a stretching sensation as your head came out, and a RELIEF when you came out all the way! But none of that wimpy stuff that you hear about.

Davi put you on my chest and I saw you and I was sooo happy! You took a few seconds to catch your breath, cried a little, and were then serene.  Everything happened so quickly that we didn’t even have a chance to call my mom and Paul so they could be there for your birth! After all that waiting for things to progress, it only took seven minutes from my water breaking til you were born.  A very dramatic entrance, for sure!!

Your dad called my mom within a few minutes of your birth so she could come right away and see you.  Meanwhile, Davi and Rebecca worked on me for quite a while because of the need to prevent another post partum hemorrhage.  Davi told me later that I did still bleed quite a bit – though not enough to meet the definition of post partum hemorrhage. But she had everything under control.  She gave me a variety of medications and herbs (calcium pills, a pitocin shot, methergine, etc.), Rebecca “held” my uterus so it would stay hard, but Davi said she had to bring out the “big guns” to get the clotting to stop.  I can’t remember what she called it but they were some rectal suppositories (sorry, gross!) But – they worked! Horray!  I sooo wanted you to be born at home and for me to be able to stay at home with you, as I was unable to do with your sister.  I felt (and feel!) so grateful for Davi’s expertise. 

Nana and Paul arrived and saw you and just fell in love with you like your dad and I did! Mom affirmed with me that my body was in perfect order while Davi and Rebecca worked on me to get the bleeding to stop. 

Oh Elea, your birth was amazing, and dramatic, and one of the most joyous things I will ever experience in my lifetime.  I cry for the passing of this time period – of being pregnant with you, of being loved by Davi and Rebecca, of giving birth to you!  I loved feeling you move around inside me and trying to guess what little part was bulging out.  I loved looking so pregnant – my tummy so round! People couldn’t believe I was due any minute and still looked so small! I only gained 25 pounds with you (I pat myself on the back for that!).

I love you my sweet little baby.  Thank you for choosing me to be your mother.  It is an honor and joy.  I hope that I can be, for you, a friend and a guide through life, and that I don’t disappoint you very often.  It will be a beautiful, amazing journey, my sweet love.  I can’t wait to see how you unfold.

All my love,

Mom

June 13, 2006

Every month, I attend my local La Leche League meeting. I really enjoy meeting other breastfeeding mothers, always learn a little more about breastfeeding, and – I hope – get the opportunity to influence, oh so gently, expecting and new mothers to parent their children in a more conscious way.

This month, one expecting mama, a few days past her due date, told the story of how her obstetrician told her he wanted to induce her since she was a few days past due. She told her doctor that she, herself, had been two weeks late, as was her sibling, and that she didn’t want to be induced. She said that his very serious response was, “Who do you think is running this show, anyway?”

Maddening. Obstetrician-mentality like this is just maddening. But the story elucidates the reality that in the United States, obstetricians and hospitals ARE running the show. And the truth of the matter is – they do so because women let them.

I hear woman after woman at LLL meetings blithely accepting as normal this kind of treatment from their obstetricians. They accept impersonal prenatal care – 15 minute office visits after an hour long wait in the waiting room. They accept not knowing which doctor will be on call for the visit, or even which doctor will deliver their baby. They accept as normal being bullied by doctors, and nurses, and lactation consultants even – at the hospital when they deliver. They accept as normal that birth is wildly painful, and must be remedied by body-numbing drugs. They accept doctors’ determination that a caesarean section must be performed because their baby has not been born with a hospital-determined set amount of time or because an ultrasound indicates that their child is too big to deliver vaginally. They accept that pregnancy and birth is, on the whole, a medicalized, unpleasant experience that they must endure in order to have a baby.

They accept these indignities, and many many others, with little – if any - question. And to find solace, they share their pregnancy and birth war stories with other women who cluck, sympathetically, and then share their own.

Every time I hear one of these conversations, I wish I could say “It doesn’t have to be that way. You deserve better than cattle drive obstetrics. And so does your baby.”

But - it is rare that I can intervene in one of these “misery loves company” conversations because I don’t have a horror story to share. So I am telling you, dear reader, what I wish I could tell them. If you are contemplating becoming a parent or if you are already pregnant, you and your baby deserve better care than given by most obstetricians and hospitals. And you can get it.

How? Hire a midwife, and have your baby at home.

If this is a new concept to you, let me reassure you. Yes – people still do that! And Yes – homebirth is legal in many states (see note below).

The care provided by a good homebirth midwife is second to none. When you are in the care of a good midwife, you feel like you are the only pregnant woman in the world. You feel loved, and nurtured, and safe.

Most prenatal appointments with midwives last an hour or more. During this time, the midwife will talk with you about how you are feeling physically, mentally and emotionally, will ask you about and advise you about nutrition, and will perform the typical examination procedures with a loving, tender touch. She will weigh you, measure your belly, test your urine for glucose levels, and listen to the baby’s heartbeat with a Doppler or fetoscope. She will ask you if you want to have prenatal tests performed, such as blood testing for venereal diseases, ultrasounds, the AFP, glucose test, Group B strep. She will not force them on you, but will instead make her recommendations as to their import. And if you do not wish to have these tests, she will likely allow you to waive them.

Many homebirth midwives will come to your home for one or more visits close to the time of birth. My dearest midwife Davi, came to my home for the 36 week check up, the 30 hour labor and birth, and then the 2, 4 and 6 day postnatal visits. What doctor these days does that??

A good homebirth midwife will work with you holistically throughout your pregnancy to help ease your mind about the upcoming birth. She will discuss your fears with you to help you release them. She will direct you to read helpful and inspiring books. She will enroll you in a childbirth education course that will get you ready for your birth. She will tell you in no uncertain terms that YOU ARE MADE TO HAVE BABIES and that there is no reason to fear birth.

Giving birth at home – with a midwife - is the ultimate in luxury care. You are in your own safe haven – and the only people present are the ones you want to be there. You can move around as you please. You can wear what you want. You can labor sitting up, laying down, in the shower, the bath, on a birth ball, on all fours – however and wherever feels right to you. You can eat and drink what you want. You can birth by candlelight.

You are not – as you are in many hospitals – chained to a bed by a fetal monitor. You do not have unknown people performing needless pelvic examinations on you to determine how dilated you are. You do not have people looking at the clock to tell you that you must dilate by X centimeters by Y time or else they will “move things along” with Pitocin. With a homebirth, your baby is allowed to be born on his own schedule, in his own way. As it should be.

And when your baby emerges, he remains on your body, unaccosted by gloved medical hands. No one takes your baby away from you to clean him up, or vaccinate him, or put goop in his eyes. You, your partner and your baby – and any others you’ve chosen to be present – just bask in the quiet of your birth space.

In my experience, and in those of countless other families who have birthed their children at home, midwife assisted homebirth is by far a gentler, more loving way to have a baby. Very few women who have chosen homebirth would ever go back to a hospital.

If you are new to the idea of homebirth, you may be thinking – this sounds great! But there are two problems: 1) Birth is painful – how can I do it without painkilling drugs?? and 2) How can it be safe to have your baby at home? What if something happens??

Dear mama to be – let me tell you.

First of all – birth does NOT have to be painful. You can choose it to be otherwise. I believe that much of birth’s pain is in the mind. You can choose to look at birth as easy and painless, and convince yourself of that fact. I speak from experience. With both of my birth experiences, I set my intent that birth would be easy, quick and painless. And both births were. One way to help get yourself in this frame of mind is to read as many positive natural birth stories as you can – my favorite books for this are Ina May Gaskin’s Spiritual Midwifery and Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth. There are also tons of great homebirth stories on the mothering.com homebirth forum. Oh, and I’ve posted one here! Birth hypnosis (e.g. Hypnobabies) can also be of great assistance.

Even if you cannot shift your perception of birth as a painful experience, with a homebirth – you simply don’t need drugs! The very nature of homebirth makes them unneeded. Being at home in a safe space with people you love encourages you to relax, which makes birth easier. With a homebirth, you can labor in a bath, birth pool or shower and in different positions (e.g. on all fours, sitting on a birth ball or toilet) – all of which bring natural pain relief. And, you have your midwife there as a personal birth coach – guiding you through the experience. When labor is the toughest – during transition – midwives will hold you and tell you You Can Do This!! – their love and support gets you through.

With regard to the safety of homebirth: for a healthy woman with a normal pregnancy, homebirth is as safe as or safer than hospital birth. A large scale study done in 2004 confirms this fact. A good homebirth midwife is trained and equipped to handle emergencies, including neonatal resuscitation, cord prolapse, post partum hemorrhage, and the like.

One of the things that makes midwifery care FAR safer that hospital care is the decreased risk of interventions. With a homebirth, you are not hooked up continuously to a fetal monitor (in a hospital setting, inaccurate readings by fetal monitors can lead to unnecessary cesarean sections); your labor is not hurried with Pitocin (Pitocin makes contractions unbearably and unnaturally painful which causes most women to seek refuge in pain relief drugs which carry with them another set of risks); and your risk of a caesarean section (after transport to the hospital) is reduced to a very small statistic.

Much has been written on all the things I’ve discussed. I urge you to read as much as you can and get informed. Decide what you really want for yourself – and your baby. In making the decision as to who will provide you prenatal care and where you will have your baby, ask yourself this:

When you are old, and thinking about your pregnancy and your child’s birth, what memory do you want have?

Make that memory happen by choosing a midwife and homebirth, if at all possible. You will be glad that you did.

NOTE: There are no US laws prohibiting birthing at home, but some states make it illegal for midwives to attend homebirths. Thus, parents in these states who wish to have homebirths must either find a midwife willing to contravene the law, or have the baby unassisted by a midwife. Many families safely and willingly go these routes. Parents in these states may also be able to locate a birthing center and have a certified nurse midwife attend the birth. For more information about the status of the law in your state, click here.

These days, most expectant mothers know that breastfeeding is best. The American Academy of Pediatrics, the World Health Organization, the US Department of Health, heck – even the formula companies – say so. Why? The reasons are endless. Your breastmilk is designed perfectly for your baby. It has all the nutrients your baby needs. Studies show that breastfed babies are smarter and healthier adults. Breastfeeding is better for you. It helps your uterus contract back down to size after your baby is born, it helps you lose the baby weight, and even more importantly, reduces your risk of breast cancer. Breastfeeding is truly a wonder. Read the rest of this entry »

Lately, I have heard so many women say, “I really want a homebirth next time. But my husband doesn’t think it’s safe.” It’s obviously a common dilemma, even among the most naturally-minded of families. I understand why husbands feel this way: they are biologically wired to protect those they love. To these men, protecting their wife and unborn child means ensuring the child is born in a hospital. Read the rest of this entry »

My daughter Elea’s first birthday was last Wednesday. I went about my day, as I normally do, enjoying the little moments of mothering. My husband came home from work, we ate dinner, we helped Elea open a few presents. But as the time that she was born drew nearer – 9:37 pm – I felt and heeded a deep need to look at the pictures from her birth. My two girls asleep, my husband watching television, I turned on the computer and started looking at pictures and watching video clips from Elea’s birth day. Read the rest of this entry »

When my oldest daughter, Brianna, was an infant, I thought I would go bonkers from sleep deprivation. At first, I consoled myself that she was just a newborn, and that she would eventually sleep more. Month four, still not sleeping, I began feeding her cereal, hoping upon hope that it would fill her little belly so she would not wake up. Nope. She woke up as usual. Month six, an irritable monster-momma, I began a desperate search for “answers.” I read book after book, I searched websites for tips and techniques, I even considered paying hundreds of dollars to get a phone-consult from a sleep expert on just what I could do to get my baby to sleep. Now, as I’m sure you know if you’re reading this article, there is a raging debate as to whether an infant should be taught to sleep by crying it out. And my husband and I, like nearly all new parents, got caught up in this debate – trying our best to balance our desperate need to sleep with what felt right, and what was right. Read the rest of this entry »